Folks Who Just Don't Get the Joke
by Christine M. Greenleaf
Summary: My annual monologue for Mark Hamill's birthday, narrated by the Clown Prince of Crime himself! Happy 65th birthday to the one and only Joker :-)


**Folks Who Just Don't Get the Joke**

You know what I hate? Humorless people. Always have, always will.

I mean, what's the point of life without a sense of humor? How do you cope with all of its vagaries and variances, its ups and downs and crazy coincidences, its moments of poetic tragedy and absurd drama? How do you deal with bad days without a sense of humor?

I guess you could always ask the Bat. There's a guy who's never cracked a smile, you can tell. God knows why – he seems to have a pretty fun life. Beating people into a pulp in a constant cycle of pain and violence has always cheered me up and put a smile on my face. But not Batsy. Because he doesn't have a sense of humor.

Now don't get me wrong – I don't hate Batsy, even though he's probably one of the most humorless people who ever lived. I pity the guy more than anything else. Imagine having to wear that ridiculous costume night after night, and thinking you look good in it. Imagine being that fashion blind. I mean, black is always chic, but that's the problem – he's just following a trend. I don't follow fashion myself – I make fashion. You can't tell me a purple suit isn't an excellent trend, classic yet original. I blaze my own trail - I don't spend my life trying to catch up with others. But you see, that's exactly what Batman does. He catches other people. That's the whole point of his existence – chasing and catching. Finding out what other people are doing and stopping them, rather than doing his own thing. He's a follower, not a leader. A reactionary, not a revolutionary. But then how could you ever expect a man without a sense of humor to lead a revolution?

See, there are multiple _types_ of people in this world, but only two _kinds_. Followers and leaders, hilarious and humorless, good and bad, there's always either a black or white option. Good old Harvey's got that right if nothing else. People come in a variety of forms and personalities, and there are many different types out there, but each type only has two sides. In terms of personality traits, you either have it or you don't. Now, I have pretty much everything desirable in a human being – stunning good looks, excellent sense of humor, astounding intelligence, incredible talent, the list goes on. So naturally the person who has none of those things would be my opposite, my nemesis, my Batman. It's like yin and yang, I suppose – it keeps the world in balance. Where I lead, he follows. Where I initiate, he responds. Where I create, he destroys, as so many of his kind do.

His kind are so-called superheroes. If you think of any superhero off the top of your head, can you think of anything they've actually contributed to society? Any initiatives Superman has spearheaded? Any homes for humanity built by the Flash? Any shelters for street kids visited by Batman? No? You know why that is? Because superheroes don't have the desire to do that. The only desire they have is to find so-called bad people, and stop them from doing what they do. They like to be around in case someone tries to do something, and then show up to stop them, preferably violently. And then the people of their respective cities come to depend on them whenever a crisis hits. Rather than banding together to find solutions to problems, they call in the superhero, he'll sort it out! (Or she – it's not just male superheroes who ruin things for everyone. They're equal opportunity nuisances.) Parasites in tights, I call 'em. They leech off the hard work of others, destroying it and taking credit for stopping them, as if they had the desire to do anything productive before we existed. If there weren't any supervillains out there, the so-called superheroes would all be sitting on their asses in their little satellite, bored out of their minds and wondering why all the crime and violence hasn't magically disappeared. But they never do anything to help it disappear, really. They just react to it when it happens, maybe prevent one or two, but ignore the bigger picture.

I know why that is though. The moment there's no crime, there's no need for their little super shenanigans. So they're out of a job. They _want_ humanity to depend upon them. They want themselves to be the drugs the people of earth keep taking in order to deal with their own problems. They want people to feel like they can't do without them, which is why they spend their time doing nothing until another supervillain with a scheme comes along. You can't make a real difference in the world just waiting for other people to do stuff. You have to lead. Superheroes should be leading. But they're not really heroes, you see. They're just regular people given super abilities, and they waste their lives the way regular people do. By waiting for other people to lead the way before acting. These aren't heroes. We are, if anyone is.

The people who go out and actually get stuff done. We plan, we organize, we arrange. Even a guy like me, an improvisor, I got more initiative in my little finger than Batman's got in his whole body. I make targets, I set goals, and more often than not, I accomplish them. Batman just stops me from getting to my goals, like a well-armored, bat-shaped doorstop.

Do you know what would actually be heroic? If Batsy took off his mask and came down from the sky. If he walked the streets, among ordinary people, if he helped a junkie get off drugs, gave some money to a beggar, hell, even helped an old lady cross the street. If he tried to actually help people, rather than hurt them. If he actually took a look at the roots of crime, at the problems in this city, and thought up ways to alleviate them without his fists. But that would require effort and hard work. That would require an active nature. That would require doing something without someone else prompting you. He's just not that kinda guy.

I mean, I would never help people either, don't get me wrong. But I don't claim to be a hero. I don't have time to think about labels like that – usually I'm off planning some hilarious caper or madcap scheme. I'm a busy man, living my life to the fullest, doing what I want to do, not responding to what other people do. I don't care about other people in the slightest – let them go their way, and I'll go mine.

But that's the thing about Bats – he _pretends_ to care. He's a massive hypocrite. He wants law and order, but breaks the law every night by attacking people and taking the law into his own hands. He's a guy in a costume who pretends to be so much better than every other guy in a costume in Gotham. He doesn't kill people, even when those people go out and kill thousands of others. He's a lunatic. And more than that, he's a humorless lunatic, which is the worst kind.

Now a proactive guy like me can go out on a night and blow up a hospital or orphanage or police station and take out hundreds of people at a time. That's because I go out and do things my own way, and make a difference in people's lives by doing it. I mean, taking away their lives is making a difference in them, right? Plus I've made a difference in all their families' lives. And in my own, of course, by wiping a huge chunk of the humorless population from the earth. See, I have a goal, and a means of bringing it about. A realistic goal, which is just having a good time while performing a public service. Batsy has a goal, but it ain't realistic. I mean, a world without crime? What kinda dreamland must he live in?

But see, he must know that's an impossible dream. He must know that he's fighting for something that can never come true. He must know deep down that he's only breaking the law and beating people up because he enjoys it, same as the rest of us. Otherwise he's just crazy, which I suppose is just as likely.

Now people do call me crazy, but I don't see what's so crazy about my life. I enjoy it. I make the most of every day by entertaining myself, and changing the world for the better. I live an ideal life. And every time I encounter a little bat-shaped stumbling block, instead of letting it bring me down for good, I overcome it. I don't let it stop me – I go back to just doing what I do. I'd like to see a better life coach out there than a guy like me. I've had my share of hard knocks and bat-fists in my face, but I keep smiling. And I keep moving. That's the power of positive thinking.

But then, as I said, there are people out there who just don't get the joke. People with no sense of humor. Like Batman, and all his little superhero pals. Waste of space, the lot of them. A bunch of hecklers crashing my comedy club who aren't talented enough to do their own thing, so they just tear other people down. Personally, I think you should be doing a little more than that if you're gifted with super powers. But maybe I'm an old-fashioned guy who believes in hard work and self-reliance. These superfreaks don't believe in that. They believe in other people relying on them. They believe in power and control and repressing people from having a good time, and achieving their ambitions. I'd call 'em fascists, if it wasn't an insult to fascism. But between you and me, wasn't the belief in a superman kinda a Nazi ideal? Just something to think about. But again, even the Nazis went out and did stuff. Not good stuff, of course, but they changed the world, which is more than these superfreaks are doing.

They've been around how long now? And the world is still the same horrible, messed-up place. There's violence, war, terror, destruction, misery beyond belief. You know why that is? Because they want us to need them. They want us to not sort out our own problems, but just call on them when things get rough. They'll do a crap job sewing up the wound so that it'll rip open again, and they'll be needed to fix it again. It's a long con game. Believe me, as a crook, I can spot another crook a mile away. It's all intentional. And you're the crazy one if you think otherwise.

But in the end, I suppose it's kinda a good joke, really. The people we believe can save us keep us enslaved to them. The heroes put themselves on a pedestal and stay out of the everyday affairs of people unless it's to beat one of them into submission. We trust a bunch of freaks in masks more than we trust our fellow humans, or ourselves. Makes you want to laugh, doesn't it? So why aren't you laughing?

God, I hate humorless people. I really do.

 **The End**


End file.
